wakey wakey hands off snakey
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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