I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
