I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
