homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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