I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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