also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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