I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
