Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
