My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
