6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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