He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
