There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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