Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize