Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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