if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize