just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Randomize
