she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
