it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
