If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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