dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You need Xanax blowdarts
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
