So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
