Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Randomize
