News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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