so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
