i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Randomize
