I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
