She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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