he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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