at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
