Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
