somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
