be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
is wine microwaveable?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
