Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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