i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
