He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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