Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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