So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
