Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
We're too hungover to prance.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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