apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
