Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
