My friends, they love my intelligence
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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