How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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