i don't plan on having that self control this summer
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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