Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
