when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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