This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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