So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
