I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
