you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize