you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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