did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
