i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
