Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
And then he peed in my hair
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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