I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Randomize
