I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
3pm strippers are depressing
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
