dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I will pee on everything he values.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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