if i can run in heels then i can drive
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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