K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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