First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize