After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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