In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
You took a bar mat shot.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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