dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
