he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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