someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Randomize
